Saturday

Whom do you spent your time most with determine what are you going to be tomorrow. My Saturday, a going to be a rainy one soon, spent with my other half of my life. These days I'm really spending my most of the time with her. A small apart makes me feel uncomfortable to live with and I phone her again. Whoever I talk with in a day, I have no day without talking with her. Even we don't have talks, we do have fights and it is very interesting to remember what have we passed or crossed the level of our understanding between each other, so deep. I don't find content now without her in my life. Life without her is impossible for me though I can survive for a week or so but not for life, not even two days! God promise! God has given her a beautiful mind and attitude to go on with her. Life is going on, on and on....never knows how it will be tomorrow but the present will determine our future, how we will going to be present ourselves each other with us. Phoning every time we have time, almost all the time, morning , afternoon, evening,and night before going to bed. It seems majority of my time is living with her, it is surrounding with her, it is transforming with her. Transforming myself along with her as I am thinking a wonderful life. I have learned from her how to care people in what terms to your belongings and yours loved one. She gets me into my interpersonal skills development in many ways. She has a wise look on her partner to whom she is going to live her life. She proved me reciprocity is the key in every intimate relationship to continue a long way so that we both get satisfied how we spent and care for each other. Your mind may be in terms of money in reciprocity or your mind may be in showing caring and love in reciprocity or any you think of now when there is reciprocity a relationship will survive for a long, long time. Beware!! even if you can't do reciprocal of what your partner did for you, the key is to do it anyhow!!! Are you sick, don't count it. Are you far, don't count it. Don't you have money, don't count it. Don't you have time to do, don't count it. Just do it any how. Just solve it now, today this very time, no matter what it takes for you, your health!! a not very wise option, but it doesn't count too....omg!! this is very serious!! you have to be crazy! to get it done the way you want. Want it that way and done you get it if the person with whom you are is right one to listen to. No life without the way you want, just want it.
How do you think this way?

Why do people don't understand me?

I try to think myself why the people don't understand me when I do really have to do something. May be I don't have convincing attitude to tell to other people or may be I really don't care of how the people are themselves living. People generally underestimate me when I really need to tell to them. I'm becoming so general while writing this and didn't specify the person whom I am talking to.

I believe if you really stand for yourself whatever the surroundings you have now or the way you have created outside, if you really do what you want to do then those people who tells you wrong, underestimate you often because you don't go around them often or don't do what they do. This doesn't necessarily mean that the way they see things are not being reality checked with the world around them. We all live here and everyone have their own opinion to tell as they see. If things they see are different doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be the same with all the other people around huh huh huh!!!!!

Back again after a while in my blog!

Twist and turn, the attitude you take is very important I feel. I'm thinking of buying a gadget that makes me comfortable posting through my mobile, so obviously a handy mobile with querty type. I don't want to use laptop or desktop as it makes me stay in one place all the time and it is huge too I feel to buy it for myself, silly me!! Lets hope what I will do.

Blogging I want to do it often now, but lets see how it goes. I don't have to college now. I'm staying home doing house-stuff and helping my father in some way.My mum is at Nursing home and haven't made up my mind to see her nor to see my small brother yet.

I'm staying in contacts with Stew, Beryl, Jeannie a few times, but not to Jalyn as she is lost. I hope to call her soon in her cellphone if that rings and picks up by only her. And, a contact to Bina last time told if will come to online and talk to me in skype.

Life has already taken a U-turn, but I haven't felt it yet. I'm talking so general and on the surface which makes me write this way this time.

Just before 2009th Dasai festival

Jalynn is still my coach. The only thing is that I didn't ask anything. She is comfortable with venting. I haven't yet talked to my previous coach Stew. He is now in my facebook. Beryl and Jeannie, they are busy on their lives. So rare meetings with them. Mike sent me few books to read. I tried to read them but the language seems not so new English, and have difficulty to catch up with the written texts.

I sent my second assignment for The Writer's Bureau and haven't yet received the reply mail in my Postbox. May be it will arrive after dasai. I have to do the third assignment which I have got, and I have to do it by reading the study materials they had sent.

Feeling back to orginal

I feel I'm back to orginal, pure, clear thoughts, just original. Not much thinking but calm, poised and cool. Is this because of friday? I don't know. I feel I left the burden of something on my backyard and I'm free and back too original. Neverthless what I have get rid off, what I have finished or What I have accomplished my inner intention.

When I think of intention I have, I had wished she would have back to bubbly and laughing and talking, which she is now at these moment. Thinking of that, I feel content and accomplished my intention and I don't want to disturb that ever at least with my conscious efforts, I won't disturb her things, which I might had stirred unknowingly in the past.

I won't be able to online from my home to talk to Jayln, my coach, tonight and the day after tonight, the saturday. The gift she gave to me on my mind, I think, it really has helped to experience this state of my mind; calm, poised, cool and back to original.

I am remembering my days of fulfillment, and accomplished when I used to have in my days then. Everything's I do with calm, confident and cool. But, one thing I didn't have then was everyday speaking and talking. Most of my school days in the afternoon spent with closed mouth. I had to run when I took part in sports, but didn't have to speak. I occasionally spoke in the class until and unless the teacher asked me questions. I was a very good boy in the class and always came first boy in the class.

My calmness, coolness and poisedness state of mind has something to link with my past days of my school I believe. Whatever it is, I'm just as I'm. Every changes I want has to be within my desire and inner core stucture of my mind and efforts.

Lots of love
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Lack of concentration and Procastination

This evening I met a wonderful lady, Jayln. A 50-year old lady and have done many opera shows on TV as a presenter. She presented me as first as a friend and she told when she will internalize the things by my sharing talks about my past lifes and present, she told me to be my life coach. And she did as she promised.

I was not able to break an ice for my study for my exam. I had an hour talk with her inwhich she made me wake up from all the barriers I had to start doing my account course. I broke my procastination and lack of concentration, dang! back to my study. I read and write 2 hours and went to cooking dinner asusual.

She told me to figure it out what was backing me to start my study. I knew my mind wanders, and postpone work or wait for something happen so that I may start the work again. She dig out my lack of concentration and Procastination nature into consideration and told me to free those thoughts aside the table and BRROOM!! She figured it out there must be someone to care of or to look after, or check out for time and study.

After talk with her when I was at the table working on account, I feel my moments of school was back. I was in full concentration, but that last for an hour and half and then started struggling again and I went to cook as it was already 8:00 pm.

In the struggling period, I was thinking of my lost academic years. I think it has been a trauma to me since that life had pasted not so easily.

At least, however, Jayln, my life coach. Still to see how far..............................


Lots of love
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Forcing Myself

I was this morning forcing myself to wake up and get going to the morning walk. I was not able to properly communicate. My mind got stuck, but my feet still walking. Few sweat drops on my forehead dropping. Still sleepy, but I tried to walk with my body straight, and composed. Although eyes were seeing not to far focusing on just where I have to step next. Going little further, I was wet, my back got all wet. I was still walking. We reached to the Vegetable shop at Old baneswor and my father asked me to sort out good carrots from the basket. Then, I felt I was using my mind. I sat on my feet down and started selecting the good shaped, not too big carrots. My father was energitic, he was not forcing himself to walk this time. Then after I did that, I felt a really cool in my body, may be because of evaporation of sweats I guess.

We were at home soon then. I didn't want to sleep again after I came back home walking for one and half hours. But, I was feeling again to go to bed and sleep. But I didn't today. I m still waking. Whenever I call to one of my friend, I feel I need to do something, a lot of thing for myself and when we hung up the phone, again the same thing, same routine. I need to break my routine. Break my habits which I did today for a small change at least.

Lots of love..
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Not the last days of Thirties but I don't know if it passes so soon.

I'm at home surfing the internet, chating, resting at bed time to time. I am feeling I'm so locked. Time has passed so quickly I think I have realised this sometimes back which I needed this to pass away so soon. Because when I was ill, I thought of dieing some 13 years back. My goal was to pass my years so quickly and I did. I passed my 20s of my life so quickly and now I m on thirties. Many of you are on thirties of your life who are my collegues, friends and people all of you live in this world..I am back to my 20s of my life when my age is now on 30s. This is true. I'm slowly developing my life, which I feel I need to. Sometimes I feel people will think of me regreting my 10 years of past life, but I didn't , but again , slowly people , friends, parents, my situation, made to think and regret my lost years of life. I was in the lost world, to which I wouldn't like to talk about it now. I think it will take time to reveal to my friends. I'm sure those who will be in contact with me for 50 years of life, sure they will know my life of lost 20s years of life. But, I m back to 20s at my thirties..I'm taking step by step staircases for which I need supports of friends, parents, teachers, coaches,gurus,and people like you.

My aim of opening this blog on my own is to express my things in my way...hopefully I will try to make it far in my life as far as possible.

lots of love
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