Friday, July 10, 2009

Feeling back to orginal

I feel I'm back to orginal, pure, clear thoughts, just original. Not much thinking but calm, poised and cool. Is this because of friday? I don't know. I feel I left the burden of something on my backyard and I'm free and back too original. Neverthless what I have get rid off, what I have finished or What I have accomplished my inner intention.

When I think of intention I have, I had wished she would have back to bubbly and laughing and talking, which she is now at these moment. Thinking of that, I feel content and accomplished my intention and I don't want to disturb that ever at least with my conscious efforts, I won't disturb her things, which I might had stirred unknowingly in the past.

I won't be able to online from my home to talk to Jayln, my coach, tonight and the day after tonight, the saturday. The gift she gave to me on my mind, I think, it really has helped to experience this state of my mind; calm, poised, cool and back to original.

I am remembering my days of fulfillment, and accomplished when I used to have in my days then. Everything's I do with calm, confident and cool. But, one thing I didn't have then was everyday speaking and talking. Most of my school days in the afternoon spent with closed mouth. I had to run when I took part in sports, but didn't have to speak. I occasionally spoke in the class until and unless the teacher asked me questions. I was a very good boy in the class and always came first boy in the class.

My calmness, coolness and poisedness state of mind has something to link with my past days of my school I believe. Whatever it is, I'm just as I'm. Every changes I want has to be within my desire and inner core stucture of my mind and efforts.

Lots of love

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Lack of concentration and Procastination

This evening I met a wonderful lady, Jayln. A 50-year old lady and have done many opera shows on TV as a presenter. She presented me as first as a friend and she told when she will internalize the things by my sharing talks about my past lifes and present, she told me to be my life coach. And she did as she promised.

I was not able to break an ice for my study for my exam. I had an hour talk with her inwhich she made me wake up from all the barriers I had to start doing my account course. I broke my procastination and lack of concentration, dang! back to my study. I read and write 2 hours and went to cooking dinner asusual.

She told me to figure it out what was backing me to start my study. I knew my mind wanders, and postpone work or wait for something happen so that I may start the work again. She dig out my lack of concentration and Procastination nature into consideration and told me to free those thoughts aside the table and BRROOM!! She figured it out there must be someone to care of or to look after, or check out for time and study.

After talk with her when I was at the table working on account, I feel my moments of school was back. I was in full concentration, but that last for an hour and half and then started struggling again and I went to cook as it was already 8:00 pm.

In the struggling period, I was thinking of my lost academic years. I think it has been a trauma to me since that life had pasted not so easily.

At least, however, Jayln, my life coach. Still to see how far..............................

Lots of love

Forcing Myself

I was this morning forcing myself to wake up and get going to the morning walk. I was not able to properly communicate. My mind got stuck, but my feet still walking. Few sweat drops on my forehead dropping. Still sleepy, but I tried to walk with my body straight, and composed. Although eyes were seeing not to far focusing on just where I have to step next. Going little further, I was wet, my back got all wet. I was still walking. We reached to the Vegetable shop at Old baneswor and my father asked me to sort out good carrots from the basket. Then, I felt I was using my mind. I sat on my feet down and started selecting the good shaped, not too big carrots. My father was energitic, he was not forcing himself to walk this time. Then after I did that, I felt a really cool in my body, may be because of evaporation of sweats I guess.

We were at home soon then. I didn't want to sleep again after I came back home walking for one and half hours. But, I was feeling again to go to bed and sleep. But I didn't today. I m still waking. Whenever I call to one of my friend, I feel I need to do something, a lot of thing for myself and when we hung up the phone, again the same thing, same routine. I need to break my routine. Break my habits which I did today for a small change at least.

Lots of love..

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Not the last days of Thirties but I don't know if it passes so soon.

I'm at home surfing the internet, chating, resting at bed time to time. I am feeling I'm so locked. Time has passed so quickly I think I have realised this sometimes back which I needed this to pass away so soon. Because when I was ill, I thought of dieing some 13 years back. My goal was to pass my years so quickly and I did. I passed my 20s of my life so quickly and now I m on thirties. Many of you are on thirties of your life who are my collegues, friends and people all of you live in this world..I am back to my 20s of my life when my age is now on 30s. This is true. I'm slowly developing my life, which I feel I need to. Sometimes I feel people will think of me regreting my 10 years of past life, but I didn't , but again , slowly people , friends, parents, my situation, made to think and regret my lost years of life. I was in the lost world, to which I wouldn't like to talk about it now. I think it will take time to reveal to my friends. I'm sure those who will be in contact with me for 50 years of life, sure they will know my life of lost 20s years of life. But, I m back to 20s at my thirties..I'm taking step by step staircases for which I need supports of friends, parents, teachers, coaches,gurus,and people like you.

My aim of opening this blog on my own is to express my things in my way...hopefully I will try to make it far in my life as far as possible.

lots of love